Joke of the day

[Scud]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...","Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've een expecting you.""Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?","Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!""Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.""My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith."Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.""Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said."Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat."And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look","Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement."Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?""It's true, Ma'am, yes..
Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.""Tripod?""Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Cobraed]

Drunken Ralph
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph.'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'
_________________
somedays your the bug somedays your the windscreen

[Cobraed]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final
exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
32. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee
Titans?
33. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths: -- Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah.
-- Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
-- Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
35.Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
36. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
37. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
38. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
39. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
40. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
41. Why is a boxing ring square?
42. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
43. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
44. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
45. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
46. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
47. What does the inside of your nose smell like?
48. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
49. Why is the time of day with the slowest moving traffic called rush hour?
50. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
51. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
52. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
53. Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that
little indestructible black box is?
54. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
55. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
56. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
57. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
58. If One is a goose, and 2 are called geese. So one is a moose, and 2 are called meese?
59. One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend.
60. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
61. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
62. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
63. Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.
64. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
65. Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
66. Why is it that noses run and feet smell?
67.How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?
68. "What would an albino polar bear look like?"
_________________
somedays your the bug somedays your the windscreen

[Cobraed]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign"
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"
Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration , and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
_________________
somedays your the bug somedays your the windscreen

[Ned_Kelly]

I bought a racehorse today
I decided to call him "My Face".
I don't care if he doesn't win a race, or makes me any money.
I just want to hear thousands of those posh women at Flemington shouting
"Come on my face"

[Cobraed]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had

to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb

that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a

12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.



However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit

that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I

too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope

You could deal with that once we are married.'



She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size

penis. 'Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the

honeymoon.



Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,

teasing and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants,

she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find

out what was wrong. She said, 'You told me your penis was the size of an

infant!'



Yes, it is 8 pounds 7 ounces, 19 inches long.
_________________
somedays your the bug somedays your the windscreen